


you must have been looking for me sending smoke signals

by The_Bisexual_From_Hell



Series: baby, you turn to ashes [2]
Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, How Victoria mourns Lucas long term, I apologize to Vic for putting her thru this, Lucas is still dead im sorry, Miscarriage, Not Canon Compliant, References to Depression, Sad with a Bittersweet Ending, but there will be vicley flashbacks dont worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28369341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Bisexual_From_Hell/pseuds/The_Bisexual_From_Hell
Summary: Leaving Seattle is one of the hardest decisions she has ever had to make. Seattle is her home—it might be slowly killing her, but it's home—it holds the only real family she has ever known. It’s an undeniable part of what makes her Victoria Hughes.Right now, she can’t handle being Victoria Hughes, a woman who lost the love of her life before she got a chance to truly experience him and their love.She needs a way out, so she runs.OrAn exploration of Vic's grief long-term.
Relationships: Victoria Hughes/Lucas Ripley
Series: baby, you turn to ashes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2051307
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	you must have been looking for me sending smoke signals

**Author's Note:**

> I promise one day I will write a Fix-it instead of a grief fic, in the meantime enjoy this. I'm sorry for any mistakes English is not my first language and my only beta is Grammarly.

Seattle hurts. 

She sees him everywhere, every corner, every street, there’s a trace of him. 

He left her with a city full of reminders, that creep into the cracks of her heart caused by his death and drown her soul in sorrow. 

Back pain, cramps, red running down her legs, and one trip to the hospital (Dr. Deluca is nice, but the pity in her eyes makes it all too real) and she learns she lost the last living trace of him, _of them._

Victoria knows if she doesn’t get out soon, the grief will suffocate her as if she were a fire without oxygen. 

Leaving Seattle is one of the hardest decisions she has ever had to make. Seattle is her home—it might be slowly killing her, but it's home—it holds the only real family she has ever known. It’s an undeniable part of what makes her Victoria Hughes. 

Right now, she can’t handle being Victoria Hughes, a woman who lost the love of her life before she got a chance to truly experience him and their love. 

She needs a way out, so she runs.

That’s an exaggeration, she does not run per se, but decides on a new career path, and gets to work on it. Losing the pregnancy, when she didn’t even know she was pregnant, is her tipping point if she’s being honest with herself. 

It takes time, more than she would like. She does not tell anyone she’s planning on leaving, not even Travis (he has been her rock, he is her person, and she knows he’ll understand, but she can’t tell him yet). If there’s anything Victoria has learned in the last year, it’s how to keep a secret when it counts. 

The decision is not a complicated one, it has been in the back of her mind ever since they were deployed to the wildfire in California the night after Lucas’ funeral. Ironically it’s something that reminds her of him—she’s trying to get away from Seattle because his presence is all over the city and yet here she is, running into a job that reminds her of him. 

Smokejumper. 

Victoria is going to be a Smokejumper if it’s the last thing she ever does. 

Smokejumpers are elite firefighters, the best of the best. 

She and Lucas used to go skydiving on the weekends, when they were both free, they were crazy adrenaline seekers. It’s fitting that to move on from him, she chooses to take up a job that involves _their thing_.

Being a smokejumper requires some crazy qualifications, that she doesn’t have yet, but she’ll work for them. She went to college on a singing scholarship, but she majored in biology—it wasn’t her passion, she had joined the fire academy straight out of college—but it works in her favor this time because she fits the requirements to be a Wildland Firefighter Trainee. It’s different from being a city firefighter, she’s used to structure fires, but she’ll manage. 

She needs to get 90 days of wildfire experience (her California wildfire adventure counts) before she can apply to become a Wildland Firefighter with a GS-04 Range. Then she needs to spend a year as a GS-04, get Fire Fighter Type 1 qualification and pass the S-290 Course. Once she has done that, she can apply to become a GS-5 Rookie Smokejumper. 

Simply. 

Victoria has never had it easy in life, not as a Black woman in America, she’s not about to give up. She’s going to fight for it. 

She applies for a job as a Trainee in California. It’s fair away from Seattle, a big enough change of scenery and they hire her immediately—of course, they do, her record as a Seattle FireFighter is impressive for an unranked firefighter—She starts next month. 

She finds a small apartment in Alpine she can rent without putting a strain on her savings—Lucas had left a will, one neither she nor Jen knew about, half of his belongings and savings go to Vic, the other half goes to Jen—she won't have to worry about money in a long time. 

She tries not to think about the fact that if she hadn’t lost the pregnancy, their kid would get his benefits for life. Thinking about the pregnancy is something she can’t do, she already mourns so much. She compartmentalizes, she pretends and she ignores it ever happened. 

Victoria is set to leave Seattle in 3 weeks. She needs to tell the Station 19 crew, she needs to tell Jennifer—She’ll be mad at Vic, she doesn’t understand the job, doesn’t understand why Victoria or Lucas risked their lives on the daily. Firefighting took Lucas away from Jennifer, she won’t want it to take Vic too. 

Jennifer is the only person that knows Vic had a miscarriage, she’s the only person Vic called from the hospital. Jen held Vic as they cried together. They would have been sisters-in-law, Jennifer said that makes them family. Lucas or no Lucas. 

Vic writes her resignation letter. It takes her two shifts to give it to Sullivan, she knows he’ll understand, he moved away when he lost Claire. It won’t make it any easier, the Station 19 crew is her family, more than her own parents, and she knows for her own good she has to leave them. Even if it contributes to tearing her apart from the inside out. 

She knocks on the door of Sullivan’s office. This is probably one of the last times she does that with him as her Captain, it’s definitely been an honor. 

“Hughes, need something?” He is professional at work, but they became close after Lucas died. As two people that mourn the love of their lives and as two people who mourn Lucas Ripley, they both love him. 

“Captain,” Vic tries her hardest to keep a steady voice, but she’s sure he can hear the tremble. She is fidgeting with her engagement ring. Travis, Jen, and Sullivan had convinced her to buy one, after Lucas died, he would have wanted her to have one. It’s a simple white gold band, she wasn’t a hearts and rainbow type of girl, she liked a simple ring, practical for work. 

“I’m here to turn in my resignation letter, two weeks' notice, and all.” 

“Victoria,” He’s using her full name, his voice is loaded with emotion, it’s bound to be a difficult conversation. “Why?” 

“I’m sorry Capitan, you know I love this job, and I love our team, you guys are my family.” She has tears in her eyes, she knew the hardest part of moving on was going to be leaving the comfort of home. “But I can’t stay in Seattle anymore, it hurts, everything hurts, he is everywhere, he was the Fire Chief, I see traces of him in every inch of the SFD”

“I can’t say I’m happy about this,” Sullivan cared for Hughes, because she was his firefighter and because Luke had loved her. “But I understand, after Claire died, it took fifteen years for me to come back to Seattle and don’t quit firefighting, you’re a natural.” 

“Thank you, and never Sir. ” 

“You’ll always be family Hughes” She let out a wet laugh. “And don’t take fifteen years to come back home, he would have wanted you to be happy.” 

“If you could not tell the rest of the team, I’d be great. I’d like my last weeks here to feel normal.” 

“You’re not going to tell them?” Sullivan knows how painful life is for Hughes right now, but she needs the support of her team, her family.

“I will, I know I know I have to, I know leaving is my choice and it’s for the best,” There’s a pause, Vic doesn’t exactly know how to express what’s going on in her mind. “The station is all I have, and I want to keep it safe and wrapped in a bubble of normality as much as I can.” 

“It’s been an honor, Victoria Hughes. You’re one hell of a firefighter.” 

She nods out of respect and because she can’t find the words to express how grateful she is to him. Vic makes sure to wipe her tears before leaving the office. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is probably not going to be that long maybe 3-5 chapters and I'm already working on the next one, it will probably come out after the second installment of my ghost Lucas series, but I promise it coming. I wrote this because I didn't like how the show just glossed over Vic's grief and because I needed to write an (another) grief fic. 
> 
> The title comes from "Smoke Signals" by Phoebe Bridgers becasue nothing makes me feel more sadness than her music. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading please leave a comment so I can get a crumb of serotonin. 
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @DXNYARYA for more sad station 19/grey's anatomy content.


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